My co-worker doesn't like me, what should i do?

Q: My co-worker and I have never been "buddies." I've worked here only a year (she's been here 10 years) and am technically at a higher level than she is (though I'm not in a managerial role so I don't supervise her). This woman seems upset by my very presence, ignoring me when I chat with our fellow co-workers (including her), answering me only when I pose a direct question to her about work and generally posing a bad vibe for me. I'm not sure what I did to deserve such treatment. But I'm too nervous to speak to her directly about this. Should I contact the HR department, put up with the atmosphere or start looking for a new job? (And if it's look for a new job, how do I ensure this doesn't happen again?)

A: I find your issue to be very interesting on a number of levels and I will address each of those levels in turn. I'm going to start with a basic assumption here, "you're a decent person." I say this because of your obvious concern and that you wish to do something to correct the situation. Having said that, based on whether or not you take my advice, you may discover that you may still be a decent person, you just did something that either offended someone or this person simply does not care for you.

Let's back up and talk about you. From what you implied in your question, you are not particularly keen on conflict. You would even go so far as to consider leaving the company to avoid it. Stop and think about this. Do you think conflict with others will not exist in another company? I think not. I think you have to learn to deal with it constructively. Some of us, and I suspect you are one of them, are highly relationally based when dealing with others. This was evident in that you picked up on her "vibe." Relationally based individuals notice the subtleties of behavior others might miss. Also, you have been experiencing this behavior for some time now and you have yet to act on it. Another sign of a relationally based individual is that you are slow to boil. Being relationally based means that you are good with people. One of your gifts is that you are readily able to make friends. It's one of the reasons this person has put you off. You're asking yourself "why doesn't she like me?"

So, what do we want to do about it? First let me tell you what not to do. Do not go to HR. What would you tell them, "I have a bad vibe?" What's that mean? At best they will suggest you document it. At its worst, it could affect your chances of promotion as you are not able to deal directly with someone, who is technically below you, over an issue that may or may not exist.

Let's go back to what to do. I'd speak with her. But, I'd first prepare for it as you will more than likely be nervous. Here's the process to use. Write down what you would call this issue. Maybe it's her being aloof or distant or even unhappy with you. Just give it a name. Next list a few examples of the behaviors you have seen. Don't list conclusions but rather the behaviors only. Write down how this makes you feel—I'm unhappy, frustrated, confused—give your feeling a name.

After this, take some responsibility for the situation. Write down what you did to contribute to this, i.e. "I should have mentioned this sooner." Finally, tell her you want to know what the problem is and how do we resolve it. Then wait for her to answer. Don't apologize, don't repeat yourself and don't restate it, just wait. Everything I have suggested should take about 60 seconds to deliver. So, write it all out and practice it out loud.

Once she starts talking let it all unfold. Keep in mind your goal here is to first understand the problem and then decide what, if anything, you want to do about it. Do not feel obliged to solve it then and there. Think about it for a while.

Ultimately she is doing you a favor. Conflict will not go away. It needs to be addressed constructively, especially if you entertain thoughts of advancement. She's allowing you an opportunity to practice conflict management in a low risk situation. When it's all over and done you should thank her for the chance to practice. But, and this is a big but, know that you may simply learn she doesn't like you for no other reason than that you are you. Live with it. You can't control her perceptions of you only your behaviors and from what I sense you are behaving quite reasonably.

For more on the topic I suggest you read Fierce Conversations by Susan Scott. She outlines a great process for having just this kind of focused conversation. Best of luck. e

Do you have a workplace question you want answered? What do you want to know to make work a better place? Send your questions to DeSantisCP@aol.com to get Chris DeSantis' two cents as to what he thinks you might want to do.

Chris DeSantis uses his 20 years' experience in training and development as an independent consultant. He specializes in the design and delivery of management and organization development interventions. A presenter at Leading Edge Alliance seminars, DeSantis focuses his work on assisting individuals or groups in identifying obstacles to effectiveness and subsequently works with them to create user friendly solutions aligned with the company's strategic initiatives. He earned his undergraduate degree from the University of Notre Dame, an MBA from the University of Denver and an MA in organizational development from Loyola University.